pinky and her brain

In the Clouds, I will meet you again

12:09 AM

Painting by: Brian Kershisnik

Our mother was our first friend and playmate. The one who carried us inside her womb for nine whole months. She became our nurse, chef, maid, teacher, and our biggest fan when we perform on stage. She struggled for us, cried buckets of tears whenever we fight (God knows how many times we've fought), and had always put herself second for our own benefit. She was the biggest part of our lives. Now I wonder, what comes to mind when you've lost your own mother? What it's like to experience such grief? I, for one thing couldn't really explain the feeling and it's highly inconceivable for me to put it into a concrete set of words just so I can tell you how much it HURTS.

My mother passed on a few weeks back (yes, we have lost the battle against the Big C). We all knew from the start she was not going to live that long. But no matter how we over psyched our thoughts of that "worst day" to come, we were still under prepared for our mother's passing. I knew that things will be hard to accept when that day comes. However, I thought I was already confident and somehow I figured that I'm ready to face it head-on. After all, we will lose our parents at one point in our lives. I mean the baffling sorrow awaits us all. But still the feeling's different when it happens unexpectedly. Looking back, it had been an agonizing 3 months of taking good care of her. It was not a walk in the park, the whole time I don't know where to position myself or what should I really feel back then. All I know is I felt frustrated, angry, scared, lonely, guilty, and all other huge range of inexplicable human emotions. But I managed to cover everything with a happy face because I don't want to be seen weak or anything. I had to exude toughness from the outside even if I really felt like I was dying inside. To put it simply I was emotionally unstable.

From her being stubborn, demanding and helpless was too much to bear. Months of pure exhaustion, fear, second-guessing (have we done everything to save her?) and yes, complaining "When will this all end?" _these thoughts all vanished when her death came. Regrets started to resurface and I was hoping that I could've done better in taking good care of her in those challenging months. How I wish I was more patient and unselfish but that won't change a thing anymore because she's no longer with us.What pains me even more, I wasn't able to say goodbye or even hugged her for that matter. I just saw her lying on the bed lifeless. My stomach clenched, my body grew cold and deep devastation filled my entire being. I have experienced the death of loved ones before, even my father's death but this one's different and it never hurt like this before. After the burial, I thought my life will go back to normal but reality punched me in the face.. LIFE will NEVER be normal again. (Not a slightest bit) It will be different from here on out. The house felt empty, gloomy and I felt abandoned. It seems my WHOLE WORLD is EMPTY at its best (up to this very moment). There was never a time when I pass by her room and see her personal belongings that I wouldn't weep. I still think that she's just in a vacation and she'll come back in time. But NO, she won't come back at all. I thought grief was linear in concept but it came in waves that flowed unexpectedly. I've tried everything to fill the void within me, I kept myself busy, listened to music, read books, run, meet with friends and slept all day as much as I can but all my efforts were to no avail. I still cry myself to sleep every night. I always think of her every single day, the moment I wake up and she is the last thought in my mind before I lay down to sleep. Basically for the past few weeks my life has been a "Pretend during the day and break inside at night" routine. God knows how much I miss her, that I miss her unreasonable beliefs, I miss her cursing me because of my stubborn ways, I miss her when I ask her for words for her to define (because she's like a walking dictionary), I miss her texting or sending viber messages, just to tell "Uwi ka ng pagkain/ gusto ko ng Pizza/ anong oras ka uwi? pasalubong!" which most of the time I snub her, I miss her calling me "Pinky Baboy" and I miss taking good care of her (even if we still argue and curse each other) because it was the only moment I was able to spend my time with her. Because I was too busy growing up and building my career. Sadly, things will never go back to the way they were and all I can do is move forward. But this pain will never go away, the pain will only lessen of course. However, I believe everything will be okay in time, it may not happen overnight but things will eventually be alright. My life will continue without her because it should and as hard as it can get I need to put myself together. I need to be strong for myself and do my best to keep my sanity at bay. Once more, it's as though my life is in RESET MODE and the only way I could think of to bounce back is to change my environment. Leave the country if I must or look for a new workplace or wherever life takes me to. As long as it will make me whole and a better person again. Thus, I am slowly making my way through to overcome this seemingly endless pain.

My feelings right now might be a bit blurred but I am happy to know that my mother's already at peace. She's now celebrating her life with the Man above. She's living in a place where there's no more pain but only happiness. I will see you again someday!

When a mother dies, a daughter's mourning never completely ends.- Hope Edelman, author

God's best

This is where I draw the line

1:03 AM

A re-post from Thought Catalog that I can somehow relate to... this is me giving myself another chance to change my whole perspective in life.

"It’s the year where I finally let the present take whatever form it may, because the present is good enough for me. Because I’m ready to let it expand into something incredible."

I will be more firm with my decisions and I will no longer tolerate half-assed effort and reasoning. That my non-negotiables in life must not be taken so lightly. The people I intend to meet and be friends with are those who knows the real meaning of Commitment, a person with Character, and definitely Christ-Centered. This year I am willing to take everything God will give me and I'd be willing to wait on God's best because I know it will be worth it.

Thought Catalog Entry:

I spent every day of 2015 missing you.

We’re supposed to be stronger than that.That’s the sort of thing we’re not supposed to admit out loud: that we can spend entire years caught up in the memory of somebody else, even when our lives are expanding and taking off around us.

We’re supposed to be people who bounce back: from pain, from rejection, from loneliness, from hurt. I spent every day of this past year trying to be stronger than that hurt. But for so much of it, I was not.

I missed you while we were still together. I missed you in each moment I felt you pull away, in every memory that passed of the way things used to be, in every scarcely uttered ‘I love you’ that felt more like a plea from a desperately sinking ship than a genuine expression of affection. I missed you while you fell asleep beside me, I missed you when I woke up alone.

I missed you for so long after you left.

I missed you on the lips of every other boy I kissed, inside the bodies of every other person I tried to love. I missed you in the dead of night with all the blinds drawn and in the middle of the sunniest days, when the entire Universe was swelling and expanding around me.

I spent three hundred and sixty five days without you and I missed you with one hundred percent of my heart, every day for one year.

But I will not do so for a year and one day.

2016 marks the end of me missing you.

2016 is the year where I stop picking at your scab, begging it to bleed because it’s easier to keep patching that wound up than it is to actually heal it. It’s the year where I stop comparing everyone else I meet to you, because it’s easier to let them fall short than it is to actually try to invest in someone new. It’s the year where I cancel my pity party, even if it’s easier to attend it than it is to show up to my life and try again.I know it’s not as simple as that – that loving someone doesn’t disappear because a clock strikes twelve and a year ends and a new one begins. I know that feelings take time to work themselves out of our systems and that it may be a very long time before you no longer cross my mind. But here is what I can claim: 2016 is the year where I finally stop enabling my own pain.

2016 is the year where I finally accept the hand that I was dealt so long ago and I choose to move forward with it, instead of constantly dwelling on the way things should have gone.This is the year where my triumphs belong to only me. Where every challenge, every conquest, every victory I encounter is not tainted with the absence of somebody else. It’s the year where I accept my own glories and failures alone – the year where I know that I’m strong enough to handle both.

This is the year where I’ll be present.

Where I’ll kiss new lips and not compare them to the lips of past lovers. Where I’ll start new projects and not wonder what someone else would have thought of them. Where I’ll plan for the future in an unconstrained way, because I’m the only one I have to plan it for. It’s the year where I finally let the present take whatever form it may, because the present is good enough for me. Because I’m ready to let it expand into something incredible.

And so as the past year draws to a close and the new one begins to unfold, I hope that you’re happy as well. I hope you come to life and find your way and kiss someone incredible and learn to let me go in the year that comes, too.

I hope you’re happy in 2016. Because I’m finally ready to be so on my own. And I don’t have any time left to waste on being unsure.