Will it ever be? I've been asking myself that question a hundred times over. Are there any available drugs or ways to find semblance of sanity in this far from perfect world? I'm nearly losing it and everything seems impossible for me to fully comprehend the situation I am experiencing right now. Honestly speaking I am not coping with life effectively. The past few weeks, I've been really struggling to stay emotionally and mentally stable. I am constantly barraged with negative thoughts and I'm fighting with myself/demons in my head. (One moment I'm okay and then one moment I'm not.) No matter how I try to do the things that will make me feel better such as writing, drawing, running, to name a few; I still end up emotionally bruised, lacking motivation and self-belief to the point of giving up. I've been constantly reminding my poor self that in times like this I should be strong enough to make it through. As I've said in my previous entry, I am going through a "phase" right now. And believe it or not I don't know how I am supposed to handle this without going crazy. (Because I can only take so much) I am beyond broken to the point of becoming a zombie. Each moment I spend with her is ripping me apart. Seeing her like that seems like the world has punched me a million times. Every time I would fix her medicine for her, it's as though I'm counting her final days. Sleeping beside her and hearing her in pain every night seems like my world is crumbling or rather my entire universe is falling apart. It breaks my heart seeing the fear in her cries and her vulnerability in all aspects. Going home from work with a heavy heart and always in fear that I might not be able to see her again. I always try to hold back my tears and pretend to be normal (meaning showing her my sungit ways) because I don't want her to see me hurting. (I try so hard to suck it all in na parang robot when in fact I feel so hopeless and heartbroken) It didn't occur to me that I would be seeing her now in this state and seemingly retreated into a somewhat second infancy. But what can I do? This is what reality is... Bitter truth, we all know the Big C is marching through her entire body but we still positively think she will be healed. We are trying to make the most out of everything and do the best thing possible to make her comfortable. We started the therapy on her and we are really hoping for a good response. 

However, I don't know how to accept everything in one go. How prepared am I really? I am lost for words and overwhelmed by the thought of it. What pains me even more is I know she wouldn't be there to witness my future big day, walk me down the path of love or even see me raise my own family. Or witness the other accomplishments I will make. Why am I always in the losing end? Haven't I gone through trials upon trials? But as they say never question God's ways because He has His own reasons. He may be teaching me to embrace life in all its fullness and pointing it out to me that what really matters are the relationships you build. That He's just preparing me for something great which I still have to find out. Hence, I am citing a movie line which greatly moved me and convinced me sensibly. 

God's mysterious ways...

"What in the end all this comes down to is how we deal in life with the problems we have to face. Sometimes it’s a question of just taking action, of making decisions, of involving others, of finding your resolve and seeing it through. But at other times, it’s about something much less tangible. Sometimes all it takes is a little grace. A little of God’s grace, and all our problems seem to fade away. Now, should we demand an explanation from our Lord? Question his methods? Or should we merely enjoy the benefits? Well, I don’t think the Good Lord wants us to question too much. Isaiah Chapter 55 Verse 8: “My ways are not your ways.” And I think what he basically means by that is, “I’m mysterious folks. Live with it.”_Keeping Mum

We will get through this and we are not losing hope. Miracles happen everyday no matter how difficult the situation is. I lift up everything to you, Lord.