Missing you everyday Bebi (nanay)

Looking at my life, I have been constantly marking it with frustration and pain. Attempting to secure myself to the world, based on my own terms. Unknowingly, creating a permanent connection to the ever-changing world I live in. I came to realize that I cannot change the things that happened to me. Only acceptance is the sole answer to the numerous melancholy days. I used to think getting what I want will give me the guarantee that I will be able to attain absolute happiness. But it will never happen, not even in this lifetime or in the next. Even my so-called suffering brought by my constant useless craving and unbelievable expectations I would like others to conform to became too tiresome. Slowly and still an ongoing process, I continuously train myself to accept the fact that everything is "impermanent" (may it be our jobs, relationships, or material possessions) and living each day at a time (without thinking about my past and my imagined future) can bring such a huge relief. More so, that being egoless is something not to be taken lightly rather it's something to be practiced with full honesty. Allowing myself to move past the condition of preconceived notions that obscure my real self. Liberating my whole existence from earthly possessions and painful past that made me bitter for the longest time.

As I tread the path of the unknown, I was lucky enough to align myself with things and people that adds real value in my life. And of course, I'd still be encountering few miserable wastelands in life and it would appear hopeless at first. Not even a soul can guarantee that things will be okay in one fell swoop. But I know the possibility exists that there are certain things and people around me that will make me laugh and make me feel better. So now I am making a courageous choice; the choice of mindfully letting go of everything that's not meant to stay with me.






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This song has always touched the very core of my being. When things doesn't seem right and when things becomes a vicious cycle of poor choices I inflict upon myself. I simply recollect and listen to to it. My senses come to life again and brings me to the idea that no matter what I do, things will never be as simple as black and white situation. That there are almost always gray areas in my life that I should walk upon the earth alone. But I know the man above is walking me through my fears and will never leave me whatever the situation may be.

I long for the day

For pure hearts to rule the world

And sadness to cease

-P.Abraham-
2016

While soaking up the view from our office window, I silently watch people in their most unguarded moments. They welcome the bright sun in their own private balconies as they smoke their cigarettes and sip their coffee. Gradually stretching out their limbs until they can go no farther. Few mouths open large, wide enough to fit a fist. Some take pictures of themselves from all angles, a hundred times over until they get the perfect one. But I wonder, what's the first thing they think about when they wake up? Do they make an effort to think about deep thoughts? Review their dreams? Start the day with a prayer of gratitude? Do they think about what to do with their lives? Or do they simply defecate and contemplate what has been their impact to the world? But then maybe, each and everyone of them are thinking about endless possibilities that life may bring to them. Possibilities that will bring forth the hidden gems of reality; possibilities waiting to be released and channeled towards goodness. Possibilities that will eventually make them realize that life has its light and dark nature they need to go through.

That somewhere in our minuscule minds we find meaning and purpose in our lives despite the circumstances. Mostly, we are allowed to trip over our own mistakes until we learn how to get up on our own; without losing our minds. We will find the most simplest and creative ways on how to handle the misplayed notes of our lives. I know sometimes it may seem these mistakes becomes repetitive but I think its universe's way of telling us that we do some pruning or polishing in our ways. Somehow letting ourselves feel the edges and contours of our mistakes and then we let go of these discomforts. It doesn't mean when shit happens we just resort to giving up; that's not how life goes. I think it's best that we maintain our composure and be mentally strong in every situation. Have courage to take an unconventional leap of faith. It may not be comfortable at first but it would be incredibly liberating. 

Almost half the year is gone and how did my life progressed? I wouldn't say I'm 100% okay but I never felt better in my life the past few months. Little did I know that an unexpected turn of events I never expected to happen will leave me smiling...again. However, there are times I still find myself crying multiple times a day but then I know losing a loved one is a basic part of our life cycle. Well, it takes a little bit of effort of getting used to the idea that they're no longer physically here on earth. But what I'm really focusing on right now is how to continue to be optimistic in everything I do. Of course, there would be challenges along the way and there would be people who will try to ruin my inner peace. But there's no way I will allow these things get the best of me. More importantly, I will try to learn to look beyond the obvious and see the bigger picture rather than be consumed with emotions and feel overwhelmed. Hoping that I will be more forgiving and trusting after all that I've been through. I pray that I will always have eyes that see the best in people and a mind that forgets the bad. Become less attached to the idea that things should always go my way. And lastly, I'm hoping that these words will get stuck in my head for as long as I live:

Our mother was our first friend and playmate. The one who carried us inside her womb for nine whole months. She became our nurse, chef, maid, teacher, and our biggest fan when we perform on stage. She struggled for us, cried buckets of tears whenever we fight (God knows how many times we've fought), and had always put herself second for our own benefit. She was the biggest part of our lives. Now I wonder, what comes to mind when you've lost your own mother? What it's like to experience such grief? I, for one thing couldn't really explain the feeling and it's highly inconceivable for me to put it into a concrete set of words just so I can tell you how much it HURTS.

My mother passed on a few weeks back (yes, we have lost the battle against the Big C). We all knew from the start she was not going to live that long. But no matter how we over psyched our thoughts of that "worst day" to come, we were still under prepared for our mother's passing. I knew that things will be hard to accept when that day comes. However, I thought I was already confident and somehow I figured that I'm ready to face it head-on. After all, we will lose our parents at one point in our lives. I mean the baffling sorrow awaits us all. But still the feeling's different when it happens unexpectedly. Looking back, it had been an agonizing 3 months of taking good care of  her. It was not a walk in the park, the whole time I don't know where to position myself or what should I really feel back then. All I know is I felt frustrated, angry, scared, lonely, guilty, and all other huge range of inexplicable human emotions. But I managed to cover everything with a happy face because I don't want to be seen weak or anything. I had to exude toughness from the outside even if  I really felt like I was dying inside. To put it simply I was emotionally unstable.

From her being stubborn, demanding and helpless was too much to bear. Months of pure exhaustion, fear, second-guessing (have we done everything to save her?) and yes, complaining "When will this all end?" _these thoughts all vanished when her death came. Regrets started to resurface and I was hoping that I could've done better in taking good care of her in those challenging months. How I wish I was more patient and unselfish but that won't change a thing anymore because she's no longer with us.What pains me even more, I wasn't able to say goodbye or even hugged her for that matter. I just saw her lying on the bed lifeless. My stomach clenched, my body grew cold and deep devastation filled my entire being. I have experienced the death of loved ones before, even my father's death but this one's different and it never hurt like this before. After the burial, I thought my life will go back to normal but reality punched me in the face.. LIFE will NEVER be normal again. (Not a slightest bit) It will be different from here on out. The house felt empty, gloomy and I felt abandoned. It seems my WHOLE WORLD is EMPTY at its best (up to this very moment). There was never a time when I pass by her room and see her personal belongings that I wouldn't weep. I still think that she's just in a vacation and she'll come back in time. But NO, she won't come back at all. I thought grief was  linear in concept but it came in waves that flowed unexpectedly. I've tried everything to fill the void within me, I kept myself busy, listened to music, read books, run, meet with friends and slept all day as much as I can but all my efforts were to no avail. I still cry myself to sleep every night. I always think of her every single day, the moment I wake up and she is the last thought in my mind before I lay down to sleep. Basically for the past few weeks my life has been a "Pretend during the day and break inside at night" routine. God knows how much I miss her, that I miss her unreasonable beliefs, I miss her cursing me because of my stubborn ways, I miss her when I ask her for words for her to define (because she's like a walking dictionary), I miss her texting or sending viber messages, just to tell "Uwi ka ng pagkain/ gusto ko ng Pizza/ anong oras ka uwi? pasalubong!" which most of the time I snub her, I miss her calling me "Pinky Baboy" and I miss taking good care of her (even if we still argue and curse each other) because it was the only moment I was able to spend my time with her. Because I was too busy growing up and building my career. Sadly, things will never go back to the way they were and all I can do is move forward. But this pain will never go away, the pain will only lessen of course. However, I believe everything will be okay in time, it may not happen overnight but things will eventually be alright. My life will continue without her because it should and as hard as it can get I need to put myself together. I need to be strong for myself and do my best to keep my sanity at bay. Once more, it's as though my life is in RESET MODE and the only way I could think of to bounce back is to change my environment. Leave the country if I must or look for a new workplace or wherever life takes me to. As long as it will make me whole and a better person again. Thus, I am slowly making my way through to overcome this seemingly endless pain.

My feelings right now might be a bit blurred but I am happy to know that my mother's already at peace. She's now celebrating her life with the Man above. She's living in a place where there's no more pain but only happiness. I will see you again someday!



When a mother dies, a daughter's mourning never completely ends.- Hope Edelman, author

A re-post from Thought Catalog that I can somehow relate to... this is me giving myself another chance to change my whole perspective in life. 

"It’s the year where I finally let the present take whatever form it may, because the present is good enough for me. Because I’m ready to let it expand into something incredible."

I will be more firm with my decisions and I will no longer tolerate half-assed effort and reasoning. That my non-negotiables in life must not be taken so lightly. The people I intend to meet and be friends with are those who knows the real meaning of Commitment, a person with Character, and definitely Christ-Centered. This year I am willing to take everything God will give me and I'd be willing to wait on God's best because I know it will be worth it. 

Thought Catalog Entry:

We’re supposed to be stronger than that.That’s the sort of thing we’re not supposed to admit out loud: that we can spend entire years caught up in the memory of somebody else, even when our lives are expanding and taking off around us.

I missed you while we were still together. I missed you in each moment I felt you pull away, in every memory that passed of the way things used to be, in every scarcely uttered ‘I love you’ that felt more like a plea from a desperately sinking ship than a genuine expression of affection. I missed you while you fell asleep beside me, I missed you when I woke up alone.

I missed you on the lips of every other boy I kissed, inside the bodies of every other person I tried to love. I missed you in the dead of night with all the blinds drawn and in the middle of the sunniest days, when the entire Universe was swelling and expanding around me.

2016 is the year where I stop picking at your scab, begging it to bleed because it’s easier to keep patching that wound up than it is to actually heal it. It’s the year where I stop comparing everyone else I meet to you, because it’s easier to let them fall short than it is to actually try to invest in someone new. It’s the year where I cancel my pity party, even if it’s easier to attend it than it is to show up to my life and try again.I know it’s not as simple as that – that loving someone doesn’t disappear because a clock strikes twelve and a year ends and a new one begins. I know that feelings take time to work themselves out of our systems and that it may be a very long time before you no longer cross my mind. But here is what I can claim: 2016 is the year where I finally stop enabling my own pain.

Where I’ll kiss new lips and not compare them to the lips of past lovers. Where I’ll start new projects and not wonder what someone else would have thought of them. Where I’ll plan for the future in an unconstrained way, because I’m the only one I have to plan it for. It’s the year where I finally let the present take whatever form it may, because the present is good enough for me. Because I’m ready to let it expand into something incredible.

And so as the past year draws to a close and the new one begins to unfold, I hope that you’re happy as well. I hope you come to life and find your way and kiss someone incredible and learn to let me go in the year that comes, too.

I hope you’re happy in 2016. Because I’m finally ready to be so on my own. And I don’t have any time left to waste on being unsure.