The "BER" months has finally arrived and pretty soon we will throw away our old calendars to make way for 2015. However, I'd like to dwell more on the present and think of what can still be improved in six months time. Whilst it's the holiday gift-buying/ gift-giving season and to be perfectly honest this is what I'm really excited about. It's pretty much a materialistic thought but let's not be hypocrites here. We all know we want tangible gifts right? Shallow as it may seem but below are just a few things on my wishlist.

















But at the end of the day, let's not forget the people we love whom we want to celebrate for who they are. A more meaningful gift that speaks volume of how much you care for them is way more important. It doesn't have to be grand or expensive but the mere fact that you've put in so much effort just simply hits the spot. May it be a thank you note, your loyalty and trust, warm hug or whatever comes to your mind is enough. That said, I hope in the next few months you will be able to source out the best yet meaningful gifts to give to your loved ones. Plus, let's take a moment to re-assess ourselves and think about how we can clear up our clouded thoughts, improve our behavior and let go of the things that makes us feel miserable. Think of it as a spring cleaning of your entire body and mind! Don't you think it's time to shrug off those dusty rugs and put things in order for once. It can be quite tricky and massive but you'll thank yourself later. Good luck to us and let's start clearing our paths!

A few weeks back I had the most emotionally exhausting experience and I could hardly explain what the exact feeling I felt back then. It was a complete nightmare you couldn't stop thinking about and even found myself completely drained of energy. I thought no hope was left in sight that my only option was to succumb to morbid thoughts and turn away from the raptures and high elevations that life can offer. Much like everyone, (well maybe) I've always had internal conflicts with myself, I have my own fair share of insecurities, self-doubt, and a growing sense that there was something terribly wrong with me. In an attempt to cope, my stubborn mind subconsciously came up with the idea that I had to put the burden to others so as to make things better and easier for me. My mind had unquestioningly concluded that this was the only way to get through with it. Not knowing I was already creating a perfect recipe for a life of unvarying failure and inexorable guilt. Unfortunately, in one sweep of a hand it slowly led me to a hopeless path of self-destruction, blurred with my own preconceived notions that are far from being socially acceptable. And I almost lost an important companion while I was dealing with my stubborn behavior. I definitely hit absolute rock bottom when I thought everything will be put to waste. I was a total mess and my will was broken. Yes I was hurt but it was kind of a good hurt because it was a wake up call on my end. (I deserved every beating I got and it was a real cut-throat) With surprising ease, I realized I had to change my views and take a 180-degree turn at once. I had to form a new empowering habits and make conscious decisions at the same time. I kept on analyzing myself and continued to untangle the spaghetti code in my mind with the intention of improving myself. It was not an easy task at all and I'm still a work in progress, and the whole "acknowledging and expressing my feelings in a positive aspect" thing is still a new hat I'm learning to wear. I presume as I navigate through life I will be able to know myself at the deepest level and will allow me to see others through the eyes of non-judgment and empathy.

I've got it all figured out or so I think... It seems my personal life and career becomes clear for the first time in years and then it just became blurred all of a sudden. Like a bomb dropped on top of my head and I suddenly came up with a big realization paired with a tough decision I need to make. For more than a year, I was enjoying this kind of setup but then as the day progresses I'm feeling quite unenthusiastic. More so, I'm surrounded by all these shitty things and nonsensical beings who continuously sucks the happiness within me. I am beginning to get tired of putting in more effort than I receive, I'm tired of believing the lies and most especially I'm tired of getting my hopes up and being disappointed again. My emotional bank account is nearly drying up and I'm not really sure when the time is already up for a withdrawal, is there something to draw on? Basically, I'm at the edge of going ballistic and wanting to shove people away.  But then I resort to keeping it all to myself and keep mum about it. I just lie down on my bed and stare at the ceiling for hours, trying too hard to connect and sync my thoughts. Sometimes I wish that I had a heart of stone, meaning no emotions, no feelings and no need to sympathize at all. That could have been great and easy for me to get through life. This undue pessimism has consumed me far too long and has eaten out my heart (maybe). Although these feelings and pessimistic behavior I have right now could be just another "phase" and I know could get through this. And yes, I am fully aware that this will take time but by all means I'll push myself too hard to secure my sanity. Even if it means I have to let go of the things I fear to lose.