pinky and her brain: September 2015

Open Letter

4:30 PM

If it is Your will to give me a companion in life, then this is my message

To my future companion,

May you find me when I am whole again. That I am already done picking up the broken pieces my past has left me. I hope you will be patient with me waiting for the perfect time to enter my life. I won't even promise you anything nor I won't promise you that I will never hurt you. But I will do my best to be a good partner for you. But at the moment I want to be secure with myself first. I want to be passionately in love with myself before I completely submit myself to you. I know in God's perfect time He will bring me to you. A partner who can complete me and complement me. Someone whom I can fully TRUST and who will understand me even when no words are spoken. Someone who is willing to fight for me and who will take part of my grievances. Someone who needs me in his life. Someone who's willing to forgive me for every fight and will never jump ship when things get hard. Someone who can make me tread the path which never ends, which is built out of trust and patience which has only love and longing to be the best for the best. Someone who is fully committed. A partner who looks beyond the figure and physical appearances and sees my true self. Someone who strengthens me and accepts the worst in me. Definitely someone who will stay LOYAL and will choose not to succumb to temptation even if the opportunity presents itself. Someone who can make me smile, can talk to my family and tell them how much he loves and respects me. Someone who will be there when I need someone to put my shit together. Even if it means phoning me up or going to my place at 3 in the morning.

To my future companion, I am hoping that you will want me bad enough to be able to convince me to stay when I thought about leaving. I hope you will promise that you will never leave me when the situation is not ideal and that we are both in this together even if things becomes pretty boring and shaky. We will always work things out and definitely you will always choose me (the same thing I'd also do) That we will both accept and love the best and worst things about us. I want us to continue to grow as a person, to discover new things about each other everyday. I want you to be my best friend and I want to be myself when I am with you, without you judging me.

For now I am working on being the right woman for you. I will wait because I know it will be worth it. I would know if its already you because I will truly feel your presence without a trace of pretense. From there we can truly say that we've found each other.

_Pinky

Better things

Elevation requires separation

10:26 PM

One of the hardest decisions you'll ever face in life is choosing whether to walk away or try harder to make things work. It's certainly easy to walk away but at the back of my mind I was thinking "where's the fulfillment in that? Ain't I suppose to fight for it and never give up no matter how hopeless it may seem?" Well, that was the ideal thing to do and yes I tried really hard to keep things together and I hoped that things will be better at one point. But no matter what I do everything just slowly slipped away and grew cold. I tried to keep battling the slew of emotions and paddled through life for months but it only led me to emotional death. It's as though my body continues to live but my emotions were no longer functioning. My so-called life was in complete standstill. I was very much aware that letting go of the things/people I was already comfortable of having were not in my priority list. Because it would mean I would be left empty-handed or to put it simply "I will be left alone". Hence, I became too complacent and let these things get the best of me. My vision was clouded with promises I thought were genuine. But reality didn't took long to kick me square in the ass and I came to realize this has to stop. This is no longer benefiting me and I've already underwent so much pain, wretchedness and self-loathing. I've already cried buckets of tears and questioning myself over and over again with, "Why did it happen to me?, What have I done wrong?, What if I've done better than expected? blah... blah... blah... and the never ending relapse" became too tiresome on my end. Its already robbing my inner peace and happiness. From there, I decided to gradually separate myself from the energy of uncertainty and started to form a safe environment. I really owe it to myself to live in harmony and regain my self-respect. I need to collect my thoughts and put things back in order once and for all. More so, stick it to my stubborn head that there are certain things and people you can no longer hold on to and fight for. That there are some practices, and some individuals you keep on hurtling_ will only destroy you. Besides, dwelling on the past and hurtful events of life will only put me into an emotional turmoil.

"Elevation requires separation", simple as it is. As I transform myself into a better human being I am called to be, I slowly realized that I should be surrounded with things and people who are worth keeping . Why waste my time to meaningless/pointless non-living and living things? Time is expensive and a valuable commodity so it's better to spend it in a more worthy investment. I believe I am quite better, wiser and guarded now than a few months back. (But this is not to say I am completely healed but I'll get there sooner or later). I have faced a lot of conflicts in life way more burdensome than this,and still managed to get up. Now I know what I want in my life; the ones that bring unpretentious happiness, pure heart and honest intentions. I will no longer settle for anything less and that I will only associate myself with things and people of good quality over convenience. It's only now that I fully understand the concept of, "Everything happens for a reason" ; and it can only mean one thing, the Man above has an amazing plan for me instead. That said, I know He will put the right things and the right people in my life. That will eventually motivate me to do good, encourage me to do the best thing possible and will help me to be a better person. So for now, I will take this opportunity to reach my full potential.

Open Letter

Elevation requires separation

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