Our mother was our first friend and playmate. The one who carried us inside her womb for nine whole months. She became our nurse, chef, maid, teacher, and our biggest fan when we perform on stage. She struggled for us, cried buckets of tears whenever we fight (God knows how many times we've fought), and had always put herself second for our own benefit. She was the biggest part of our lives. Now I wonder, what comes to mind when you've lost your own mother? What it's like to experience such grief? I, for one thing couldn't really explain the feeling and it's highly inconceivable for me to put it into a concrete set of words just so I can tell you how much it HURTS.

My mother passed on a few weeks back (yes, we have lost the battle against the Big C). We all knew from the start she was not going to live that long. But no matter how we over psyched our thoughts of that "worst day" to come, we were still under prepared for our mother's passing. I knew that things will be hard to accept when that day comes. However, I thought I was already confident and somehow I figured that I'm ready to face it head-on. After all, we will lose our parents at one point in our lives. I mean the baffling sorrow awaits us all. But still the feeling's different when it happens unexpectedly. Looking back, it had been an agonizing 3 months of taking good care of  her. It was not a walk in the park, the whole time I don't know where to position myself or what should I really feel back then. All I know is I felt frustrated, angry, scared, lonely, guilty, and all other huge range of inexplicable human emotions. But I managed to cover everything with a happy face because I don't want to be seen weak or anything. I had to exude toughness from the outside even if  I really felt like I was dying inside. To put it simply I was emotionally unstable.

From her being stubborn, demanding and helpless was too much to bear. Months of pure exhaustion, fear, second-guessing (have we done everything to save her?) and yes, complaining "When will this all end?" _these thoughts all vanished when her death came. Regrets started to resurface and I was hoping that I could've done better in taking good care of her in those challenging months. How I wish I was more patient and unselfish but that won't change a thing anymore because she's no longer with us.What pains me even more, I wasn't able to say goodbye or even hugged her for that matter. I just saw her lying on the bed lifeless. My stomach clenched, my body grew cold and deep devastation filled my entire being. I have experienced the death of loved ones before, even my father's death but this one's different and it never hurt like this before. After the burial, I thought my life will go back to normal but reality punched me in the face.. LIFE will NEVER be normal again. (Not a slightest bit) It will be different from here on out. The house felt empty, gloomy and I felt abandoned. It seems my WHOLE WORLD is EMPTY at its best (up to this very moment). There was never a time when I pass by her room and see her personal belongings that I wouldn't weep. I still think that she's just in a vacation and she'll come back in time. But NO, she won't come back at all. I thought grief was  linear in concept but it came in waves that flowed unexpectedly. I've tried everything to fill the void within me, I kept myself busy, listened to music, read books, run, meet with friends and slept all day as much as I can but all my efforts were to no avail. I still cry myself to sleep every night. I always think of her every single day, the moment I wake up and she is the last thought in my mind before I lay down to sleep. Basically for the past few weeks my life has been a "Pretend during the day and break inside at night" routine. God knows how much I miss her, that I miss her unreasonable beliefs, I miss her cursing me because of my stubborn ways, I miss her when I ask her for words for her to define (because she's like a walking dictionary), I miss her texting or sending viber messages, just to tell "Uwi ka ng pagkain/ gusto ko ng Pizza/ anong oras ka uwi? pasalubong!" which most of the time I snub her, I miss her calling me "Pinky Baboy" and I miss taking good care of her (even if we still argue and curse each other) because it was the only moment I was able to spend my time with her. Because I was too busy growing up and building my career. Sadly, things will never go back to the way they were and all I can do is move forward. But this pain will never go away, the pain will only lessen of course. However, I believe everything will be okay in time, it may not happen overnight but things will eventually be alright. My life will continue without her because it should and as hard as it can get I need to put myself together. I need to be strong for myself and do my best to keep my sanity at bay. Once more, it's as though my life is in RESET MODE and the only way I could think of to bounce back is to change my environment. Leave the country if I must or look for a new workplace or wherever life takes me to. As long as it will make me whole and a better person again. Thus, I am slowly making my way through to overcome this seemingly endless pain.

My feelings right now might be a bit blurred but I am happy to know that my mother's already at peace. She's now celebrating her life with the Man above. She's living in a place where there's no more pain but only happiness. I will see you again someday!



When a mother dies, a daughter's mourning never completely ends.- Hope Edelman, author