I've got it all figured out or so I think... It seems my personal life and career becomes clear for the first time in years and then it just became blurred all of a sudden. Like a bomb dropped on top of my head and I suddenly came up with a big realization paired with a tough decision I need to make. For more than a year, I was enjoying this kind of setup but then as the day progresses I'm feeling quite unenthusiastic. More so, I'm surrounded by all these shitty things and nonsensical beings who continuously sucks the happiness within me. I am beginning to get tired of putting in more effort than I receive, I'm tired of believing the lies and most especially I'm tired of getting my hopes up and being disappointed again. My emotional bank account is nearly drying up and I'm not really sure when the time is already up for a withdrawal, is there something to draw on? Basically, I'm at the edge of going ballistic and wanting to shove people away.  But then I resort to keeping it all to myself and keep mum about it. I just lie down on my bed and stare at the ceiling for hours, trying too hard to connect and sync my thoughts. Sometimes I wish that I had a heart of stone, meaning no emotions, no feelings and no need to sympathize at all. That could have been great and easy for me to get through life. This undue pessimism has consumed me far too long and has eaten out my heart (maybe). Although these feelings and pessimistic behavior I have right now could be just another "phase" and I know could get through this. And yes, I am fully aware that this will take time but by all means I'll push myself too hard to secure my sanity. Even if it means I have to let go of the things I fear to lose.