Our mother was our first friend and playmate. The one who carried us inside her womb for nine whole months. She became our nurse, chef, maid, teacher, and our biggest fan when we perform on stage. She struggled for us, cried buckets of tears whenever we fight (God knows how many times we've fought), and had always put herself second for our own benefit. She was the biggest part of our lives. Now I wonder, what comes to mind when you've lost your own mother? What it's like to experience such grief? I, for one thing couldn't really explain the feeling and it's highly inconceivable for me to put it into a concrete set of words just so I can tell you how much it HURTS.

My mother passed on a few weeks back (yes, we have lost the battle against the Big C). We all knew from the start she was not going to live that long. But no matter how we over psyched our thoughts of that "worst day" to come, we were still under prepared for our mother's passing. I knew that things will be hard to accept when that day comes. However, I thought I was already confident and somehow I figured that I'm ready to face it head-on. After all, we will lose our parents at one point in our lives. I mean the baffling sorrow awaits us all. But still the feeling's different when it happens unexpectedly. Looking back, it had been an agonizing 3 months of taking good care of  her. It was not a walk in the park, the whole time I don't know where to position myself or what should I really feel back then. All I know is I felt frustrated, angry, scared, lonely, guilty, and all other huge range of inexplicable human emotions. But I managed to cover everything with a happy face because I don't want to be seen weak or anything. I had to exude toughness from the outside even if  I really felt like I was dying inside. To put it simply I was emotionally unstable.

From her being stubborn, demanding and helpless was too much to bear. Months of pure exhaustion, fear, second-guessing (have we done everything to save her?) and yes, complaining "When will this all end?" _these thoughts all vanished when her death came. Regrets started to resurface and I was hoping that I could've done better in taking good care of her in those challenging months. How I wish I was more patient and unselfish but that won't change a thing anymore because she's no longer with us.What pains me even more, I wasn't able to say goodbye or even hugged her for that matter. I just saw her lying on the bed lifeless. My stomach clenched, my body grew cold and deep devastation filled my entire being. I have experienced the death of loved ones before, even my father's death but this one's different and it never hurt like this before. After the burial, I thought my life will go back to normal but reality punched me in the face.. LIFE will NEVER be normal again. (Not a slightest bit) It will be different from here on out. The house felt empty, gloomy and I felt abandoned. It seems my WHOLE WORLD is EMPTY at its best (up to this very moment). There was never a time when I pass by her room and see her personal belongings that I wouldn't weep. I still think that she's just in a vacation and she'll come back in time. But NO, she won't come back at all. I thought grief was  linear in concept but it came in waves that flowed unexpectedly. I've tried everything to fill the void within me, I kept myself busy, listened to music, read books, run, meet with friends and slept all day as much as I can but all my efforts were to no avail. I still cry myself to sleep every night. I always think of her every single day, the moment I wake up and she is the last thought in my mind before I lay down to sleep. Basically for the past few weeks my life has been a "Pretend during the day and break inside at night" routine. God knows how much I miss her, that I miss her unreasonable beliefs, I miss her cursing me because of my stubborn ways, I miss her when I ask her for words for her to define (because she's like a walking dictionary), I miss her texting or sending viber messages, just to tell "Uwi ka ng pagkain/ gusto ko ng Pizza/ anong oras ka uwi? pasalubong!" which most of the time I snub her, I miss her calling me "Pinky Baboy" and I miss taking good care of her (even if we still argue and curse each other) because it was the only moment I was able to spend my time with her. Because I was too busy growing up and building my career. Sadly, things will never go back to the way they were and all I can do is move forward. But this pain will never go away, the pain will only lessen of course. However, I believe everything will be okay in time, it may not happen overnight but things will eventually be alright. My life will continue without her because it should and as hard as it can get I need to put myself together. I need to be strong for myself and do my best to keep my sanity at bay. Once more, it's as though my life is in RESET MODE and the only way I could think of to bounce back is to change my environment. Leave the country if I must or look for a new workplace or wherever life takes me to. As long as it will make me whole and a better person again. Thus, I am slowly making my way through to overcome this seemingly endless pain.

My feelings right now might be a bit blurred but I am happy to know that my mother's already at peace. She's now celebrating her life with the Man above. She's living in a place where there's no more pain but only happiness. I will see you again someday!



When a mother dies, a daughter's mourning never completely ends.- Hope Edelman, author

A re-post from Thought Catalog that I can somehow relate to... this is me giving myself another chance to change my whole perspective in life. 

"It’s the year where I finally let the present take whatever form it may, because the present is good enough for me. Because I’m ready to let it expand into something incredible."

I will be more firm with my decisions and I will no longer tolerate half-assed effort and reasoning. That my non-negotiables in life must not be taken so lightly. The people I intend to meet and be friends with are those who knows the real meaning of Commitment, a person with Character, and definitely Christ-Centered. This year I am willing to take everything God will give me and I'd be willing to wait on God's best because I know it will be worth it. 

Thought Catalog Entry:

We’re supposed to be stronger than that.That’s the sort of thing we’re not supposed to admit out loud: that we can spend entire years caught up in the memory of somebody else, even when our lives are expanding and taking off around us.

I missed you while we were still together. I missed you in each moment I felt you pull away, in every memory that passed of the way things used to be, in every scarcely uttered ‘I love you’ that felt more like a plea from a desperately sinking ship than a genuine expression of affection. I missed you while you fell asleep beside me, I missed you when I woke up alone.

I missed you on the lips of every other boy I kissed, inside the bodies of every other person I tried to love. I missed you in the dead of night with all the blinds drawn and in the middle of the sunniest days, when the entire Universe was swelling and expanding around me.

2016 is the year where I stop picking at your scab, begging it to bleed because it’s easier to keep patching that wound up than it is to actually heal it. It’s the year where I stop comparing everyone else I meet to you, because it’s easier to let them fall short than it is to actually try to invest in someone new. It’s the year where I cancel my pity party, even if it’s easier to attend it than it is to show up to my life and try again.I know it’s not as simple as that – that loving someone doesn’t disappear because a clock strikes twelve and a year ends and a new one begins. I know that feelings take time to work themselves out of our systems and that it may be a very long time before you no longer cross my mind. But here is what I can claim: 2016 is the year where I finally stop enabling my own pain.

Where I’ll kiss new lips and not compare them to the lips of past lovers. Where I’ll start new projects and not wonder what someone else would have thought of them. Where I’ll plan for the future in an unconstrained way, because I’m the only one I have to plan it for. It’s the year where I finally let the present take whatever form it may, because the present is good enough for me. Because I’m ready to let it expand into something incredible.

And so as the past year draws to a close and the new one begins to unfold, I hope that you’re happy as well. I hope you come to life and find your way and kiss someone incredible and learn to let me go in the year that comes, too.

I hope you’re happy in 2016. Because I’m finally ready to be so on my own. And I don’t have any time left to waste on being unsure.

THANK YOU... 

To those who truly cared, you somehow made me feel important. 

To those who extended their helping hand I will be eternally grateful.

To those who showed their real intentions and a sincere heart, you taught me how to trust people again. 

To those who stayed during the time of uncertainty, you showed me true friendship 

To those who have hurt me, you unknowingly pointed me in the right direction and you have been my greatest mentors.

May you all have a blessed Christmas!

Will it ever be? I've been asking myself that question a hundred times over. Are there any available drugs or ways to find semblance of sanity in this far from perfect world? I'm nearly losing it and everything seems impossible for me to fully comprehend the situation I am experiencing right now. Honestly speaking I am not coping with life effectively. The past few weeks, I've been really struggling to stay emotionally and mentally stable. I am constantly barraged with negative thoughts and I'm fighting with myself/demons in my head. (One moment I'm okay and then one moment I'm not.) No matter how I try to do the things that will make me feel better such as writing, drawing, running, to name a few; I still end up emotionally bruised, lacking motivation and self-belief to the point of giving up. I've been constantly reminding my poor self that in times like this I should be strong enough to make it through. As I've said in my previous entry, I am going through a "phase" right now. And believe it or not I don't know how I am supposed to handle this without going crazy. (Because I can only take so much) I am beyond broken to the point of becoming a zombie. Each moment I spend with her is ripping me apart. Seeing her like that seems like the world has punched me a million times. Every time I would fix her medicine for her, it's as though I'm counting her final days. Sleeping beside her and hearing her in pain every night seems like my world is crumbling or rather my entire universe is falling apart. It breaks my heart seeing the fear in her cries and her vulnerability in all aspects. Going home from work with a heavy heart and always in fear that I might not be able to see her again. I always try to hold back my tears and pretend to be normal (meaning showing her my sungit ways) because I don't want her to see me hurting. (I try so hard to suck it all in na parang robot when in fact I feel so hopeless and heartbroken) It didn't occur to me that I would be seeing her now in this state and seemingly retreated into a somewhat second infancy. But what can I do? This is what reality is... Bitter truth, we all know the Big C is marching through her entire body but we still positively think she will be healed. We are trying to make the most out of everything and do the best thing possible to make her comfortable. We started the therapy on her and we are really hoping for a good response. 

However, I don't know how to accept everything in one go. How prepared am I really? I am lost for words and overwhelmed by the thought of it. What pains me even more is I know she wouldn't be there to witness my future big day, walk me down the path of love or even see me raise my own family. Or witness the other accomplishments I will make. Why am I always in the losing end? Haven't I gone through trials upon trials? But as they say never question God's ways because He has His own reasons. He may be teaching me to embrace life in all its fullness and pointing it out to me that what really matters are the relationships you build. That He's just preparing me for something great which I still have to find out. Hence, I am citing a movie line which greatly moved me and convinced me sensibly. 

God's mysterious ways...

"What in the end all this comes down to is how we deal in life with the problems we have to face. Sometimes it’s a question of just taking action, of making decisions, of involving others, of finding your resolve and seeing it through. But at other times, it’s about something much less tangible. Sometimes all it takes is a little grace. A little of God’s grace, and all our problems seem to fade away. Now, should we demand an explanation from our Lord? Question his methods? Or should we merely enjoy the benefits? Well, I don’t think the Good Lord wants us to question too much. Isaiah Chapter 55 Verse 8: “My ways are not your ways.” And I think what he basically means by that is, “I’m mysterious folks. Live with it.”_Keeping Mum

We will get through this and we are not losing hope. Miracles happen everyday no matter how difficult the situation is. I lift up everything to you, Lord.