Big C? do I mean Big Champ? Big C food mart? Big & Chewy? How I wish it were these things that I met ten days ago. Maybe my belly would've been happier or even thanked me for that matter. But I met the most horrible one_ Big C. It's a dreadful disease, it flouts metaphor - for some they use cancer as a metaphor for the worst things in life, but there are no metaphors terrible enough to describe cancer. What really pains me down to my stomachs core is knowing your loved one has to be the one to suffer the Big C. From day one, we all thought it was just a simple sickness that can be treated in a matter of days with antibiotics and all. As days keep passing, that simple sickness has slowly gone awry. Numerous tests have been done and gradually the sickening information were passed onto us. But not until my birthday came, HELLO huge blow! It's as though the physician dropped the bomb like Hiroshima. (I was thankful enough I have my friends who were there at that time) It took us awhile to savour and process the whole information into our heads. It was too painful to bear, its as if it's a carpenter's saw keeps on sawing back and forth and cleaving through the deepest muscle fiber there ever was. It pains me every single day seeing my loved one endure the burning pain the Big C has to offer. I am scared beyond measure of what tomorrow may bring. I don't even know what to think about or how to respond at the moment. My brain is pretty much in a state of mental fog. (Iba pala feeling kapag sayo na nangyari) You're not even sure if it's bound to happen or whatever I can't really tell. My field of vision starts to narrow to the point of tunnel vision (almost pitch dark) and I feel like I am locked in a fight-or flight mode. I never really thought I would see her in that state and I just can't let her see me cry because it will only weaken her. Why did it come to this? How come whenever I am about to reach that optimum level of happiness, all of a sudden fate will just take it away from me in a matter of seconds. I know as majority would often say "Happiness is a choice", and yes I accept that there's a certain degree, just a minuscule truth of what they say. But how come happiness has always been an elusive state for me? I know this is another test of faith from Him but no matter how we want to be optimistic about this, we are faced with a harsh reality. If only there is a magic bullet at hand that can cure the BIG C in one shot, I would've moved mountains to get such bullet. Regrets is starting to surface, the "I wish I hadn’t, or that I wish I’d done things differently" keeps swirling in my head. At this point in time, I have this deepest desire to veer away from every scrabbling errors I made with the same buoyancy I remove from my most outstanding moments. However, it's no longer necessary at the moment to dwell on those. I have to acknowledge that part of my learning from my experience is recognizing the consequences of my mistakes. (YOU LEARN THE HARD WAY) Indeed, a part of me is still desiring I could have bypassed it. But it's a moot point, since that's not how life works , hence, eventually all that remnants is what I choose to learn from here on out. Learning from this and what repeatedly seems like a cruel sidesplitting joke has taught me even my worst moments are not for nothing – realizing that can reduce the blow, and impart a lesson. In hindsight, it's God's way telling me I’ll be far more prepared for next time. When I find myself in a similar situation, I’ll know what to do. Or maybe, at least, what not to do, which at times what really matters.

Looking at the bright side of things, I am thankful enough for the people who are unceasingly praying for us and supporting us in this long battle with the Big C. To those of my friends who turned family, to those people with a good heart whom I never I thought I would be friends with, to those whom I thought have turned their backs on me but they never really did and to those who extended a helping hand in every way possible, I thank you with all my heart. I may not be able to thank everyone personally but please do know that I will always be eternally grateful for your prayers and support.  I believe we can surpass this trial and I know as I constantly tell myself, "GOD DOESN'T GIVE US MORE THAN WE CAN HANDLE." God knowingly gives us this trial to show and teach us something and will become beneficial in the long run. Granted we've got a whole lot of things on our plate but I'm glad that me and my siblings and other members of the family are working together to take down the Big C. I believe that the greatest breakthrough will come, of course with God's guidance.