I've got it all figured out or so I think... It seems my personal life and career becomes clear for the first time in years and then it just became blurred all of a sudden. Like a bomb dropped on top of my head and I suddenly came up with a big realization paired with a tough decision I need to make. For more than a year, I was enjoying this kind of setup but then as the day progresses I'm feeling quite unenthusiastic. More so, I'm surrounded by all these shitty things and nonsensical beings who continuously sucks the happiness within me. I am beginning to get tired of putting in more effort than I receive, I'm tired of believing the lies and most especially I'm tired of getting my hopes up and being disappointed again. My emotional bank account is nearly drying up and I'm not really sure when the time is already up for a withdrawal, is there something to draw on? Basically, I'm at the edge of going ballistic and wanting to shove people away.  But then I resort to keeping it all to myself and keep mum about it. I just lie down on my bed and stare at the ceiling for hours, trying too hard to connect and sync my thoughts. Sometimes I wish that I had a heart of stone, meaning no emotions, no feelings and no need to sympathize at all. That could have been great and easy for me to get through life. This undue pessimism has consumed me far too long and has eaten out my heart (maybe). Although these feelings and pessimistic behavior I have right now could be just another "phase" and I know could get through this. And yes, I am fully aware that this will take time but by all means I'll push myself too hard to secure my sanity. Even if it means I have to let go of the things I fear to lose.

Sometimes you wouldn't really know or couldn't explain why people act in an odd way. It's as if you always have to remind them of the things they should do or to be more sensitive enough. As I dissected the details in my head, I came to realize that my existence has barely touched the inner thoughts of the "individual". That I was still a stranger in the "individual's" perspective. And the connection I thought was deep was apparently shallow. (maybe just maybe.. I don't know) The "individual" was too strong like a man of steel that I could hardly make the "individual" voice out his emotion. The individual's emotion must be kept since it would be quite a shame on the individual's part for others to see. Clearly, I just can't force someone to do such thing as voicing out one's emotion which I know from the very start because "the individual is what the individual is" (and I can't change that and I don't have the intention of changing one's life.) It's just disheartening that the individual perpetually gives me the idea that I'm in the category of "pwede na yan/ bara-bara" and the individual doesn't seem to notice. Though it must have been my fault 'cause I let the individual do it and I would always let it pass and laugh about it even. And so, that led the individual assume everything's A-okay and normal.

Maybe I'm just overreacting or over analyzing things (which I am so good at-> this sounds negative) but this situation has become so habitual. But I know in times like this the only thing that I could think of to outweigh the nugatory thoughts is to patiently understand and to implement ways to foster optimism. Well, that's the least I could do for now and I know I'm not running out of hope that in time, things will unfold as it should.

Lately I have been feeling lethargic, listless, moody and apathetic. Not so funny tantrums and a handful of  complaints. (Now I feel awful about myself)  I know I shouldn't feel this way because "the-so-called blah" has opened up many doors for me and I should be incredibly thankful. (But hey I'm no superwoman)  Mentally, it has really taken a toll on me and I couldn't even think properly. And I know being grumpy just creates havoc on my body and even turn itself outward, at the expense of others (highly unlike me and I just hate myself for doing such things). I just feel  like everything is jumbled and weighty. Bottom line, all I need is inner peace and self-assurance; that "maybe, just maybe" would eventually make me feel better. Well it's timely that Holy week has arrived and I'm hoping to get this "inner peace/self-assurance thing" this week. 

I hope to see myself as a one-cow person as Bo Sanchez would put it. Not a one-worm person or a one-bacteria person. (ayokong maging germs)

Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus…  

(Romans 8:1)

I've always had a hard time trusting anyone and I guess I live by this notion "you can't trust anyone, only yourself." It's a way of protecting myself, from being hurt and avoid being taken advantage of. Much worse if a person has wronged me no matter how big or small his/her fault is, I'll never trust him/her again that's for sure. Oh brother! there's no point of redeeming himself/herself to me (kalimutan mong kilala kita :p). Since based on personal experiences, people that I trusted quickly turned out not to be trustworthy at all. (B**&9  S**6)They don't give you that kind of assurance that they can be trusted.

Maybe I'll never outgrow this kind of perception not unless I find someone worth TRUSTING. But I'm not closing my doors with the possibility of changing my ways and who knows I'll probably end up eating my words. (but that's a long way to go).

That's all for today..

-Someone’s gotten under your skin and the sooner you admit it, the sooner you’ll know whether to stay or go-

"Walang madali sa mundo"