pinky and her brain

Life

Will it ever be? I've been asking myself that question a hundred times over. Are there any available drugs or ways to find semblance of sanity in this far from perfect world? I'm nearly losing it and everything seems impossible for me to fully comprehend the situation I am experiencing right now. Honestly speaking I am not coping with life effectively. The past few weeks, I've been really struggling to stay emotionally and mentally stable. I am constantly barraged with negative thoughts and I'm fighting with myself/demons in my head. (One moment I'm okay and then one moment I'm not.) No matter how I try to do the things that will make me feel better such as writing, drawing, running, to name a few; I still end up emotionally bruised, lacking motivation and self-belief to the point of giving up. I've been constantly reminding my poor self that in times like this I should be strong enough to make it through. As I've said in my previous entry, I am going through a "phase" right now. And believe it or not I don't know how I am supposed to handle this without going crazy. (Because I can only take so much) I am beyond broken to the point of becoming a zombie. Each moment I spend with her is ripping me apart. Seeing her like that seems like the world has punched me a million times. Every time I would fix her medicine for her, it's as though I'm counting her final days. Sleeping beside her and hearing her in pain every night seems like my world is crumbling or rather my entire universe is falling apart. It breaks my heart seeing the fear in her cries and her vulnerability in all aspects. Going home from work with a heavy heart and always in fear that I might not be able to see her again. I always try to hold back my tears and pretend to be normal (meaning showing her my sungit ways) because I don't want her to see me hurting. (I try so hard to suck it all in na parang robot when in fact I feel so hopeless and heartbroken) It didn't occur to me that I would be seeing her now in this state and seemingly retreated into a somewhat second infancy. But what can I do? This is what reality is... Bitter truth, we all know the Big C is marching through her entire body but we still positively think she will be healed. We are trying to make the most out of everything and do the best thing possible to make her comfortable. We started the therapy on her and we are really hoping for a good response.

However, I don't know how to accept everything in one go. How prepared am I really? I am lost for words and overwhelmed by the thought of it. What pains me even more is I know she wouldn't be there to witness my future big day, walk me down the path of love or even see me raise my own family. Or witness the other accomplishments I will make. Why am I always in the losing end? Haven't I gone through trials upon trials? But as they say never question God's ways because He has His own reasons. He may be teaching me to embrace life in all its fullness and pointing it out to me that what really matters are the relationships you build. That He's just preparing me for something great which I still have to find out. Hence, I am citing a movie line which greatly moved me and convinced me sensibly.

God's mysterious ways...

"What in the end all this comes down to is how we deal in life with the problems we have to face. Sometimes it’s a question of just taking action, of making decisions, of involving others, of finding your resolve and seeing it through. But at other times, it’s about something much less tangible. Sometimes all it takes is a little grace. A little of God’s grace, and all our problems seem to fade away. Now, should we demand an explanation from our Lord? Question his methods? Or should we merely enjoy the benefits? Well, I don’t think the Good Lord wants us to question too much. Isaiah Chapter 55 Verse 8: “My ways are not your ways.” And I think what he basically means by that is, “I’m mysterious folks. Live with it.”_Keeping Mum

We will get through this and we are not losing hope. Miracles happen everyday no matter how difficult the situation is. I lift up everything to you, Lord.

fight

In 10 days, I met Big C

3:06 PM

Big C? do I mean Big Champ? Big C food mart? Big & Chewy? How I wish it were these things that I met ten days ago. Maybe my belly would've been happier or even thanked me for that matter. But I met the most horrible one_ Big C. It's a dreadful disease, it flouts metaphor - for some they use cancer as a metaphor for the worst things in life, but there are no metaphors terrible enough to describe cancer. What really pains me down to my stomachs core is knowing your loved one has to be the one to suffer the Big C. From day one, we all thought it was just a simple sickness that can be treated in a matter of days with antibiotics and all. As days keep passing, that simple sickness has slowly gone awry. Numerous tests have been done and gradually the sickening information were passed onto us. But not until my birthday came, HELLO huge blow! It's as though the physician dropped the bomb like Hiroshima. (I was thankful enough I have my friends who were there at that time) It took us awhile to savour and process the whole information into our heads. It was too painful to bear, its as if it's a carpenter's saw keeps on sawing back and forth and cleaving through the deepest muscle fiber there ever was. It pains me every single day seeing my loved one endure the burning pain the Big C has to offer. I am scared beyond measure of what tomorrow may bring. I don't even know what to think about or how to respond at the moment. My brain is pretty much in a state of mental fog. (Iba pala feeling kapag sayo na nangyari) You're not even sure if it's bound to happen or whatever I can't really tell. My field of vision starts to narrow to the point of tunnel vision (almost pitch dark) and I feel like I am locked in a fight-or flight mode. I never really thought I would see her in that state and I just can't let her see me cry because it will only weaken her. Why did it come to this? How come whenever I am about to reach that optimum level of happiness, all of a sudden fate will just take it away from me in a matter of seconds. I know as majority would often say "Happiness is a choice", and yes I accept that there's a certain degree, just a minuscule truth of what they say. But how come happiness has always been an elusive state for me? I know this is another test of faith from Him but no matter how we want to be optimistic about this, we are faced with a harsh reality. If only there is a magic bullet at hand that can cure the BIG C in one shot, I would've moved mountains to get such bullet. Regrets is starting to surface, the "I wish I hadn’t, or that I wish I’d done things differently" keeps swirling in my head. At this point in time, I have this deepest desire to veer away from every scrabbling errors I made with the same buoyancy I remove from my most outstanding moments. However, it's no longer necessary at the moment to dwell on those. I have to acknowledge that part of my learning from my experience is recognizing the consequences of my mistakes. (YOU LEARN THE HARD WAY) Indeed, a part of me is still desiring I could have bypassed it. But it's a moot point, since that's not how life works , hence, eventually all that remnants is what I choose to learn from here on out. Learning from this and what repeatedly seems like a cruel sidesplitting joke has taught me even my worst moments are not for nothing – realizing that can reduce the blow, and impart a lesson. In hindsight, it's God's way telling me I’ll be far more prepared for next time. When I find myself in a similar situation, I’ll know what to do. Or maybe, at least, what not to do, which at times what really matters.

Looking at the bright side of things, I am thankful enough for the people who are unceasingly praying for us and supporting us in this long battle with the Big C. To those of my friends who turned family, to those people with a good heart whom I never I thought I would be friends with, to those whom I thought have turned their backs on me but they never really did and to those who extended a helping hand in every way possible, I thank you with all my heart. I may not be able to thank everyone personally but please do know that I will always be eternally grateful for your prayers and support. I believe we can surpass this trial and I know as I constantly tell myself, "GOD DOESN'T GIVE US MORE THAN WE CAN HANDLE." God knowingly gives us this trial to show and teach us something and will become beneficial in the long run. Granted we've got a whole lot of things on our plate but I'm glad that me and my siblings and other members of the family are working together to take down the Big C. I believe that the greatest breakthrough will come, of course with God's guidance.

God, I surrender everything to you.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing, you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

-Romans 12:2-

FIGHT!

tip of the iceberg

The Show - The Rehearsal

1:39 AM

2015 is a complete whirlwind and problems seem to come in bunches and I am completely overwhelmed at this point. Truth be told, I am still licking my own wounds from the previous nightmare. And now here comes a BIGGER one and my thought process right now is completely blurred. I couldn't even find a better way to handle this. Now I am asking myself again, "Why Me?" "Why should I have to experience all of these?", "Why put the burden on us?", "Ain't we had enough, years ago?" To quote my favorite author, “I've been clinging to this world like a discarded shell of an insect stuck to a branch, about to be blown off forever by a gust of wind.” and I would often times think "If there had been a door within reach that led straight to death, he wouldn't have hesitated to push it open, without a second thought." This is basically how I really feel at the moment (hangnail nalang ang kapit and I'm really close to losing my sanity) I just want to give up and stop all these pretending that I am okay but deep within me I am not. I keep on asking myself, What is still my life's purpose? Because clearly it seems like an elusive undertaking right now. I've shared these thoughts to my sister and lectured me "Dumadating talaga yan, you need to face your problems head on and over come them. Para kang Phoenix di mo ba alam yon? Ang Phoenix burns into ashes and then is reborn complete and whole. Ganoon ka and bata ka pa marami ka pang gagawin, sadyang dumadaan sa ganyan walang immunity dyan. At least, you're equipped for the worst things to come." And we just ended up laughing at ourselves. But really, we've gone through hell for the longest time and I believe we will be able to get through this test of life once again. Gahhdd I don't know what to do without her because she had been my constant pillar of strength in my life for many years. So I live it up to you Lord and may we overcome all the hurdles we are facing right now. May we find strength in you in difficult times. I humbly ask for miracles peace and comfort. For physical and emotional healing. Reach down and restore our thirsty soul. Through your mercy and your love.

change

Slow process

6:06 PM

Certainly, baby boys and girls start out as charming, sweet and incredibly affectionate. But, as time turned into a decade they suddenly become a bullheaded human beings, myself included.

In my entire life, I never claimed to be a good nor a perfect daughter a parent could have hoped for. I can be excessively sweet and thoughtful at times. But with a flip of a coin, oftentimes when things don't go my way and when our opinions clash, I suddenly hate them. I even wished I have different parents, parents who would really understand me. Thinking they don't value my opinion and if only they would let me do my own thing, then things will be fine. There were tons of arguments, ongoing battles, yelling, power struggles and whatnot. Each of which I tried to contain myself and kept on psyching myself up, not to engage in any of these negative things. However, I'm having a hard time to connect with them emotionally especially to the mother queen. Yes, I became distant for I don't know how long, but I had my own reasons which I cannot divulge. (Actually, this post is actually meant for the mother queen.) Both of us have been struggling to pull ourselves up from the quagmire of weightless bickering. We couldn't even stand each other for an hour (pwede na kami magliyab pareho) and we were always caught up in who's right and who's wrong battle.

But here comes the power of foresight, that deep within me I know that this too shall pass eventually. That said, an unexpected turn of events happened that led me to take things slowly in order to rekindle the relationship I had with the mother queen. It was very clear that it's God's way of nudging me to walk into His ways, that the nudge was so clear-cut otherwise known as impasse, to bring me back to submission. It's as though He was telling me outright, "change your ways and you will find the true direction."

Truthfully, I've spent a long time harboring resentment at the mother queen for the things I thought she failed at and overlooking at my own faults. I know for a fact that no matter what, even if her combative ways puts me into a whirlwind of negative emotions, she's still my mother (we will always remain as family). That in spite of the friction between us, hardships, and trials, I'm pretty sure we will find ways to move forward in life. It is an unceasing dance between me and the mother queen, as we try to fine-tune our relationship. And with God's wise guidance, I perceive things will eventually unfold to greater things between us.

message

Open Letter

4:30 PM

If it is Your will to give me a companion in life, then this is my message

To my future companion,

May you find me when I am whole again. That I am already done picking up the broken pieces my past has left me. I hope you will be patient with me waiting for the perfect time to enter my life. I won't even promise you anything nor I won't promise you that I will never hurt you. But I will do my best to be a good partner for you. But at the moment I want to be secure with myself first. I want to be passionately in love with myself before I completely submit myself to you. I know in God's perfect time He will bring me to you. A partner who can complete me and complement me. Someone whom I can fully TRUST and who will understand me even when no words are spoken. Someone who is willing to fight for me and who will take part of my grievances. Someone who needs me in his life. Someone who's willing to forgive me for every fight and will never jump ship when things get hard. Someone who can make me tread the path which never ends, which is built out of trust and patience which has only love and longing to be the best for the best. Someone who is fully committed. A partner who looks beyond the figure and physical appearances and sees my true self. Someone who strengthens me and accepts the worst in me. Definitely someone who will stay LOYAL and will choose not to succumb to temptation even if the opportunity presents itself. Someone who can make me smile, can talk to my family and tell them how much he loves and respects me. Someone who will be there when I need someone to put my shit together. Even if it means phoning me up or going to my place at 3 in the morning.

To my future companion, I am hoping that you will want me bad enough to be able to convince me to stay when I thought about leaving. I hope you will promise that you will never leave me when the situation is not ideal and that we are both in this together even if things becomes pretty boring and shaky. We will always work things out and definitely you will always choose me (the same thing I'd also do) That we will both accept and love the best and worst things about us. I want us to continue to grow as a person, to discover new things about each other everyday. I want you to be my best friend and I want to be myself when I am with you, without you judging me.

For now I am working on being the right woman for you. I will wait because I know it will be worth it. I would know if its already you because I will truly feel your presence without a trace of pretense. From there we can truly say that we've found each other.

_Pinky

Better things

Elevation requires separation

10:26 PM

One of the hardest decisions you'll ever face in life is choosing whether to walk away or try harder to make things work. It's certainly easy to walk away but at the back of my mind I was thinking "where's the fulfillment in that? Ain't I suppose to fight for it and never give up no matter how hopeless it may seem?" Well, that was the ideal thing to do and yes I tried really hard to keep things together and I hoped that things will be better at one point. But no matter what I do everything just slowly slipped away and grew cold. I tried to keep battling the slew of emotions and paddled through life for months but it only led me to emotional death. It's as though my body continues to live but my emotions were no longer functioning. My so-called life was in complete standstill. I was very much aware that letting go of the things/people I was already comfortable of having were not in my priority list. Because it would mean I would be left empty-handed or to put it simply "I will be left alone". Hence, I became too complacent and let these things get the best of me. My vision was clouded with promises I thought were genuine. But reality didn't took long to kick me square in the ass and I came to realize this has to stop. This is no longer benefiting me and I've already underwent so much pain, wretchedness and self-loathing. I've already cried buckets of tears and questioning myself over and over again with, "Why did it happen to me?, What have I done wrong?, What if I've done better than expected? blah... blah... blah... and the never ending relapse" became too tiresome on my end. Its already robbing my inner peace and happiness. From there, I decided to gradually separate myself from the energy of uncertainty and started to form a safe environment. I really owe it to myself to live in harmony and regain my self-respect. I need to collect my thoughts and put things back in order once and for all. More so, stick it to my stubborn head that there are certain things and people you can no longer hold on to and fight for. That there are some practices, and some individuals you keep on hurtling_ will only destroy you. Besides, dwelling on the past and hurtful events of life will only put me into an emotional turmoil.

"Elevation requires separation", simple as it is. As I transform myself into a better human being I am called to be, I slowly realized that I should be surrounded with things and people who are worth keeping . Why waste my time to meaningless/pointless non-living and living things? Time is expensive and a valuable commodity so it's better to spend it in a more worthy investment. I believe I am quite better, wiser and guarded now than a few months back. (But this is not to say I am completely healed but I'll get there sooner or later). I have faced a lot of conflicts in life way more burdensome than this,and still managed to get up. Now I know what I want in my life; the ones that bring unpretentious happiness, pure heart and honest intentions. I will no longer settle for anything less and that I will only associate myself with things and people of good quality over convenience. It's only now that I fully understand the concept of, "Everything happens for a reason" ; and it can only mean one thing, the Man above has an amazing plan for me instead. That said, I know He will put the right things and the right people in my life. That will eventually motivate me to do good, encourage me to do the best thing possible and will help me to be a better person. So for now, I will take this opportunity to reach my full potential.

Nature of Opposites

Will it ever get better?...

In 10 days, I met Big C

The Show - The Rehearsal

Slow process

Open Letter

Elevation requires separation

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