One of the hardest decisions you'll ever face in life is choosing whether to walk away or try harder to make things work. It's certainly easy to walk away but at the back of my mind I was thinking "where's the fulfillment in that? Ain't I suppose to fight for it and never give up no matter how hopeless it may seem?" Well, that was the ideal thing to do and yes I tried really hard to keep things together and I hoped that things will be better at one point. But no matter what I do everything just slowly slipped away and grew cold. I tried to keep battling the slew of emotions and paddled through life for months but it only led me to emotional death. It's as though my body continues to live but my emotions were no longer functioning. My so-called life was in complete standstill. I was very much aware that letting go of the things/people I was already comfortable of having were not in my priority list. Because it would mean I would be left empty-handed or to put it simply "I will be left alone". Hence, I became too complacent and let these things get the best of me. My vision was clouded with promises I thought were genuine. But reality didn't took long to kick me square in the ass and I came to realize this  has to stop. This is no longer benefiting me and I've  already underwent so much pain, wretchedness and self-loathing. I've already cried buckets of tears and questioning myself over and over again with, "Why did it happen to me?, What have I done wrong?, What if I've done better than expected? blah... blah... blah... and the never ending relapse" became too tiresome on my end. Its already robbing my inner peace and happiness. From there, I decided to gradually separate myself from the energy of uncertainty and started to form a safe environment. I really owe it to myself to live in harmony and regain my self-respect. I need to collect my thoughts and put things back in order once and for all. More so, stick it to my stubborn head that there are certain things and people you can no longer hold on to and fight for. That there are some practices, and some individuals you keep on hurtling_ will only destroy you. Besides, dwelling on the past and hurtful events of life will only put me into an emotional turmoil.

"Elevation requires separation", simple as it is. As I transform myself into a better human being I am called to be, I slowly realized that I should be surrounded with things and people who are worth keeping . Why waste my time to meaningless/pointless non-living and living things? Time is expensive and a valuable commodity so it's better to spend it in a more worthy investment. I believe I am quite better, wiser and guarded now than a few months back. (But this is not to say I am completely healed but I'll get there sooner or later). I have faced a lot of conflicts in life way more burdensome than this,and still managed to get up. Now I know what I want in my life; the ones that bring unpretentious happiness, pure heart and honest intentions. I will no longer settle for anything less and that I will only associate myself with things and people of good quality over convenience. It's only now that I fully understand the concept of, "Everything happens for a reason" ; and it can only mean one thing, the Man above has an amazing plan for me instead. That said, I know He will put the right things and the right people in my life. That will eventually motivate me to do good, encourage me to do the best thing possible and will help me to be a better person.  So for now, I will take this opportunity to reach my full potential.

The "BER" months has finally arrived and pretty soon we will throw away our old calendars to make way for 2015. However, I'd like to dwell more on the present and think of what can still be improved in six months time. Whilst it's the holiday gift-buying/ gift-giving season and to be perfectly honest this is what I'm really excited about. It's pretty much a materialistic thought but let's not be hypocrites here. We all know we want tangible gifts right? Shallow as it may seem but below are just a few things on my wishlist.

















But at the end of the day, let's not forget the people we love whom we want to celebrate for who they are. A more meaningful gift that speaks volume of how much you care for them is way more important. It doesn't have to be grand or expensive but the mere fact that you've put in so much effort just simply hits the spot. May it be a thank you note, your loyalty and trust, warm hug or whatever comes to your mind is enough. That said, I hope in the next few months you will be able to source out the best yet meaningful gifts to give to your loved ones. Plus, let's take a moment to re-assess ourselves and think about how we can clear up our clouded thoughts, improve our behavior and let go of the things that makes us feel miserable. Think of it as a spring cleaning of your entire body and mind! Don't you think it's time to shrug off those dusty rugs and put things in order for once. It can be quite tricky and massive but you'll thank yourself later. Good luck to us and let's start clearing our paths!

A few weeks back I had the most emotionally exhausting experience and I could hardly explain what the exact feeling I felt back then. It was a complete nightmare you couldn't stop thinking about and even found myself completely drained of energy. I thought no hope was left in sight that my only option was to succumb to morbid thoughts and turn away from the raptures and high elevations that life can offer. Much like everyone, (well maybe) I've always had internal conflicts with myself, I have my own fair share of insecurities, self-doubt, and a growing sense that there was something terribly wrong with me. In an attempt to cope, my stubborn mind subconsciously came up with the idea that I had to put the burden to others so as to make things better and easier for me. My mind had unquestioningly concluded that this was the only way to get through with it. Not knowing I was already creating a perfect recipe for a life of unvarying failure and inexorable guilt. Unfortunately, in one sweep of a hand it slowly led me to a hopeless path of self-destruction, blurred with my own preconceived notions that are far from being socially acceptable. And I almost lost an important companion while I was dealing with my stubborn behavior. I definitely hit absolute rock bottom when I thought everything will be put to waste. I was a total mess and my will was broken. Yes I was hurt but it was kind of a good hurt because it was a wake up call on my end. (I deserved every beating I got and it was a real cut-throat) With surprising ease, I realized I had to change my views and take a 180-degree turn at once. I had to form a new empowering habits and make conscious decisions at the same time. I kept on analyzing myself and continued to untangle the spaghetti code in my mind with the intention of improving myself. It was not an easy task at all and I'm still a work in progress, and the whole "acknowledging and expressing my feelings in a positive aspect" thing is still a new hat I'm learning to wear. I presume as I navigate through life I will be able to know myself at the deepest level and will allow me to see others through the eyes of non-judgment and empathy.

I've got it all figured out or so I think... It seems my personal life and career becomes clear for the first time in years and then it just became blurred all of a sudden. Like a bomb dropped on top of my head and I suddenly came up with a big realization paired with a tough decision I need to make. For more than a year, I was enjoying this kind of setup but then as the day progresses I'm feeling quite unenthusiastic. More so, I'm surrounded by all these shitty things and nonsensical beings who continuously sucks the happiness within me. I am beginning to get tired of putting in more effort than I receive, I'm tired of believing the lies and most especially I'm tired of getting my hopes up and being disappointed again. My emotional bank account is nearly drying up and I'm not really sure when the time is already up for a withdrawal, is there something to draw on? Basically, I'm at the edge of going ballistic and wanting to shove people away.  But then I resort to keeping it all to myself and keep mum about it. I just lie down on my bed and stare at the ceiling for hours, trying too hard to connect and sync my thoughts. Sometimes I wish that I had a heart of stone, meaning no emotions, no feelings and no need to sympathize at all. That could have been great and easy for me to get through life. This undue pessimism has consumed me far too long and has eaten out my heart (maybe). Although these feelings and pessimistic behavior I have right now could be just another "phase" and I know could get through this. And yes, I am fully aware that this will take time but by all means I'll push myself too hard to secure my sanity. Even if it means I have to let go of the things I fear to lose.

Sometimes you wouldn't really know or couldn't explain why people act in an odd way. It's as if you always have to remind them of the things they should do or to be more sensitive enough. As I dissected the details in my head, I came to realize that my existence has barely touched the inner thoughts of the "individual". That I was still a stranger in the "individual's" perspective. And the connection I thought was deep was apparently shallow. (maybe just maybe.. I don't know) The "individual" was too strong like a man of steel that I could hardly make the "individual" voice out his emotion. The individual's emotion must be kept since it would be quite a shame on the individual's part for others to see. Clearly, I just can't force someone to do such thing as voicing out one's emotion which I know from the very start because "the individual is what the individual is" (and I can't change that and I don't have the intention of changing one's life.) It's just disheartening that the individual perpetually gives me the idea that I'm in the category of "pwede na yan/ bara-bara" and the individual doesn't seem to notice. Though it must have been my fault 'cause I let the individual do it and I would always let it pass and laugh about it even. And so, that led the individual assume everything's A-okay and normal.

Maybe I'm just overreacting or over analyzing things (which I am so good at-> this sounds negative) but this situation has become so habitual. But I know in times like this the only thing that I could think of to outweigh the nugatory thoughts is to patiently understand and to implement ways to foster optimism. Well, that's the least I could do for now and I know I'm not running out of hope that in time, things will unfold as it should.

Lately I have been feeling lethargic, listless, moody and apathetic. Not so funny tantrums and a handful of  complaints. (Now I feel awful about myself)  I know I shouldn't feel this way because "the-so-called blah" has opened up many doors for me and I should be incredibly thankful. (But hey I'm no superwoman)  Mentally, it has really taken a toll on me and I couldn't even think properly. And I know being grumpy just creates havoc on my body and even turn itself outward, at the expense of others (highly unlike me and I just hate myself for doing such things). I just feel  like everything is jumbled and weighty. Bottom line, all I need is inner peace and self-assurance; that "maybe, just maybe" would eventually make me feel better. Well it's timely that Holy week has arrived and I'm hoping to get this "inner peace/self-assurance thing" this week. 

I hope to see myself as a one-cow person as Bo Sanchez would put it. Not a one-worm person or a one-bacteria person. (ayokong maging germs)

Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus…  

(Romans 8:1)

I've always had a hard time trusting anyone and I guess I live by this notion "you can't trust anyone, only yourself." It's a way of protecting myself, from being hurt and avoid being taken advantage of. Much worse if a person has wronged me no matter how big or small his/her fault is, I'll never trust him/her again that's for sure. Oh brother! there's no point of redeeming himself/herself to me (kalimutan mong kilala kita :p). Since based on personal experiences, people that I trusted quickly turned out not to be trustworthy at all. (B**&9  S**6)They don't give you that kind of assurance that they can be trusted.

Maybe I'll never outgrow this kind of perception not unless I find someone worth TRUSTING. But I'm not closing my doors with the possibility of changing my ways and who knows I'll probably end up eating my words. (but that's a long way to go).

That's all for today..